Writing Her Next Chapter - Cara Cynkar
Season 1, Episode 6
There’s one thing we know for certain. Life changes - it’s not a matter of if, but when and how. Where we find ourselves is how we ride that wave of change. As moms and caregivers, our strength and resilience is also tested in how we hold space for our families to do the same. In this episode, Cara Cynkar shares how she not only grew as her family faced certain challenges, but brings us full circle to working toward her own dreams and writing a new story.
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Show Notes
About Cara Cynkar:
Connect with Cara on LinkedIn.
Visit The Trevor Project and learn more about how to help out.
About Amy Kugler:
Check out Amy's website and writing.
Sign up for Unscripted, Amy’s bi-monthly newsletter.
About the Show: “And More with Amy Kugler” is a production of BEAM, a venture dedicated to amplifying the untold stories of motherhood and building public/private/advocacy partnerships to shift policy for moms nationally and globally.
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Transcript
Cara Cynkar:
If I were to look back on that 2013-18 self, honestly, what I would just tell her is, you're doing it great.
You're great.
Everything that you're doing is the right thing to be doing.
Because it doesn't matter if you stumble, it doesn't matter if you fall, it doesn't matter if you make a mistake, no big deal.
Learning and you're growing and you're doing the things that you need to be doing right then and there for your life and for your kids.
And, you know, I just actually came across this Deepak Chopra quote, and I put it on my little whiteboard that I have over here.
And he says, embracing the unknown not only expands our horizons, but also nurtures our resilience, teaching us to flow with the currents of life rather than resisting them.
And I feel like that's what I did is I just flowed with the currents of life and just said, okay, not really sure where this is going to take me, but I'm going to just be okay with it.
Amy Kugler:
This is And More with Amy Kugler. It's a show where we'll explore all of the stories about motherhood and caregiving and how they can be a driving force for change. We'll talk about the challenging and hilarious moments that we rarely say out loud, and we'll find a way forward that lifts us all up. Let's get started.
Hey everyone, it's Amy Kugler and I have been thinking a lot about how we hold space for both ourselves and our families as we evolve.
Because, I mean, change is real.
It's a given.
It's not a matter of when, it's a matter of how.
And there is no one who in my life I feel has done this better than our guest today.
And that's Cara Cynkar
And I'm so delighted to have Cara here.
Let me tell you a little bit about her and why I wanted to have her on and more with Amy Kugler.
I have been privileged to know Cara for a few years now.
And we both worked and became friends at a health and well-being startup here in the Seattle area.
But I know her career is wide-ranging with more than 20 years in health and social work settings.
And this is another thing I know about Cara.
She has pivoted a few times in order to find and create a thriving culture that is true to her values.
But as I learn more about her personal story and we'll dig into this because you know as moms of littles we give the that phase of our life so much attention but I want to know more about what it looks like when our kids are grown and flown and Cara has a lot of wisdom and insight and fun stories from all of her journeys with her family but
I'm in awe, really, of how Cara has navigated all of these pivots with grace and created a safe space for her family to do the same.
I mean, she's walked through divorce, she's built a thriving blended family, she's left behind tenants of her upbringing, all while being a beacon for her kids to be curious and discover their own adventures.
And in the midst of that, friends, let me tell you, she's dreaming about her third act, working toward it, and also serving her community in bold ways.
So we might get into a fraction of all of that.
But until then, Cara, thank you so much for joining me.
Cara Cynkar
Oh my goodness, Amy, I am so happy to be here.
And I'm like, kind of hold back the tears.
This is definitely something that is very true to my heart and just everything about who I am for sure.
Amy Kugler
Well, I'm so so glad you're here.
I did not mean to make you cry this early on a morning, but I'm sure we'll get to some tears for both of us because we always do.
So let's jump into that that big, broad question so that you can help tell us a bit more about yourself.
What stories define you as a mom and more?
Cara Cynkar
For sure.
Um, I've been pondering this question for a few days now.
And
So I think one of the things we talked about before, where if I were to reflect back on my career as a mother, and it is a career, people, you learn so many things by being a mom, and so many employable skills by being a mom, I will say that.
So, you know, I would say I would sum up my being a mom.
My story about being a mom is this is not what I signed up for, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.
I would say so my mom resume is I have four kids right now, four biological children.
I also have two stepchildren and a couple of grandchildren.
So lots of phases of life for these kiddos.
My biological children age ranges are my oldest is 24 and my youngest is 16.
I am knocking on the door of an empty nest.
and do an amazing job.
Very lucky and blessed to be able to co-parent with my kid's dad.
We are still really great friends, even though we're not married anymore.
You know, even just on Saturday morning, we had a great conversation about, you know, some things that are going on with our older kids and how do we support them and do all the things.
So, you know, just, you know, that's really kind of just my mom resume.
I've also been thinking about my choice to become a mom.
So I made the choice and I will emphasize that it was a choice, right?
So I chose to become a mom.
It was a very conscious choice.
But that choice was very much influenced by my upbringing.
And honestly, I became a mom because that's really what was expected of me.
um not because um not because i you know felt like
I wanted to per se, like I wanted to because I felt like I was influenced.
And, you know, I wanted to because that was expected of me.
Right.
Right.
That was that was also kind of the stories that you had.
And we had talked about that to the stories that you had from your own family, like coming into your partnership.
Right.
At an earlier age and then deciding what directions to take now.
Yeah, for sure.
But, you know, and looking back, like if I did not, I'm thinking, I don't know, but if I were to go back and let's say I wasn't raised in the culture I was raised in, and I wasn't that type of, you know, this is your divine role value being emplaced upon me and really ingrained in me, I don't know if I would choose to be a mom.
Hmm.
Tell me more about that.
Just because you feel like it would be a different, a different time, a different background, a different environment.
Like what, what, what do you think would influence your decision?
Yeah, well, I remember being 15 years old and having my life like planned out, quote unquote, planned out, right.
I was going to
I was very, very much focused on making sure I had I went to college.
And because that was not that at the time, that was also not something that was that I was raised with that said, you know, women should go do this.
They women should make sure that they are educated.
That wasn't something that was a high priority either.
But I
I grew up with some economic challenges with my family.
And my dad lost his job a lot.
He was in the TV industry.
TV stations and things like that go in and out of management.
When the new management comes in, they fire all the old people and bring in all their new people.
And we moved around a lot.
And there were so many times where my mom said, man, I wish I would have finished my nursing degree.
And so that just was sitting there in the back of my head.
And I'm like, Well, you know what, I kind of started school when I was younger, you know, a little bit younger ahead of the curve, because my family was living in Canada at the time.
And I'm 17.
And I will graduate when I'm 17.
So I could go like four years, and I'll be 21 years old, by the time I graduate with my bachelor's degree, you know,
Then, you know, I was going to probably go on a mission for my church at that point in time.
I wanted to go to grad school.
And then in my late 20s, let's think about marriage and the whole thing there.
And that was kind of my plan.
But, you know, life pivoted at me and I ended up getting married when I was 20.
And it almost felt like a contractual thing.
It's like, yes, OK, I will agree to marry you, but I have to graduate and get my degree.
Right, right.
Cara Cynkar
Which is a rare thing to ask at that point, right?
Like it's a rare thing to say, but this is what I need.
Yep.
Yep.
And I'm so grateful.
So grateful that that was something that I gave voice to at that time.
So we got married and moved to Seattle and got my degree in social work, you know, and so, you know, and then shortly after that, we had our first kid and, but man,
Fast forward 14 years when I ended up divorced, boy was I glad I had that four-year degree because it was only because of that four-year degree that I was able to get my first job after being a stay-at-home mom, you know, for 11 plus years because nobody would look at me if I didn't have that degree because all I was was a mom.
Amy Kugler
And I think that's really a powerful story again to that conversation of understanding the stories that impact you in the past or that that may have been like an offhanded comment right but that's something that really stuck with you as a core value and saying that i'm going to be true to that right no matter what else flies in my face i'm going to be true to those core pieces and core values and as you as you you know emerged from that divorce, which was pretty significant, you know, it was a big shift in the family life and charted your own course and eventually, you know, got remarried.
What are some of the values that started to percolate up to your own consciousness and in your own system that helped drive you forward?
Cara Cynkar
So the first things that come to my mind is integrity, authenticity,
Really just being true to myself and oh my goodness, like my kids are the number one priority right now.
You know, I'm a single mom of four kids at that point in time.
And I also left my religious organization at that time.
So I also left my village, you know, those support structures that I had at that point in my life, and I had to really chart some new territory.
I needed, I did a lot of exploring and curiosity, I would say curiosity has become a really big theme in my post, you know, first marriage life.
You know, looking at what are some of the, the values and the philosophies and things like that, that I was raised with that still ring true for me.
And then removing some of the ones that
no longer serve me or no longer are aligned with what I feel true to my heart um pushing you know like hey you know what I can actually choose here like oh oh my goodness imagine the world opens up you can actually decide right and I think I think that that's also that's something that
When that light bulb turns on, right?
Because sometimes it doesn't.
And I'll be the first to admit that I have not been in the same situation as you in different ways.
However, there have been moments, even as I've become a mom, where I feel not really walking in my own values or aligned with my own values in that moment.
Amy Kugler
And it's amazing when you look at those light bulb moments of like, oh, you mean I can decide?
What I do with my 30 minutes of time even as a mom of littles or like just you know even now that you know as they're growing I was like oh I can choose whether or not I take on that PTA thing.
I can choose what because I want to live more in line with my values.
I think those aha clarity moments are really important and I want to I want to dig in with those with you on those after after the break because I feel like the values of authenticity, integrity, curiosity are ones again you have fostered in your family and I want to know a bit more and dive a little bit deeper of how you've really brought your family aligned in those things.
So
Everyone, we'll be right back with Cara Cynkar on And More with Amy Kugler right after this break.
Amy Kugler
Hey everybody we're back with and we're with Amy Kugler and I'm here with my friend Cara who is incredible and I think now has coined the phrase mom resume because I had never heard of it put like that Cara until you were like okay so my mom resume is that I have this many kids at these ages and you know we were when we got to the when we cut to the break we were talking a bit about the values
that you have, you know, really discovered both for yourself and amongst your family members, right?
And I want to talk about those and how you've kind of created spaces for, you know, those in your family, your kids, really to be curious about what their values are and building, you know, that up in this new chapter for both them and for you.
So let's pivot, right, to the last like five years.
Tell me a bit more of what and more looks like for you and your family.
Cara Cynkar
Okay, so the last five years, I think it's a very unique five years in human history, quite honestly, right?
Hashtag pandemic.
Right?
You know, because I think collectively, we've all been going through things that are a little bit more challenging, like everybody's path is going to have the challenges laid in front of you, right?
And it's how you approach those challenges.
And, and so like, just humanity as a collective, you know, we have this big challenge placed in front of us, and then we all navigated it in lots of different ways.
You know, but I think there's things that have happened in my family in the last five years that
would have been there even if we didn't have a pandemic to deal with, right?
So the last five years has really been heavily influenced by a couple of my children coming out as transgender.
And that has shaken my world in ways that I never thought.
Again, when I come back to like, this isn't what I signed up for.
This is not what I thought I signed up And I think that I think about like, you know watching my parents raise me and all my siblings and that was kind of like The worldview the example and things like that that I was signing up for as a parent But man, oh man have my children shifted the narrative on all of that and honestly, I think
And I'm grateful for that.
I'm really, really grateful for that because they had the opportunity to just explore the world rather than being subjected to a narrow pathway that they were expected to go down.
And that was really, really important to both myself and their dad, you know, post-divorce.
and we just I you know I remember like I spend a lot of time my first job I was commuting to Seattle and I would I would ride the train and just gave me a lot of time to think and just I and honestly yes I slept on the train because that was exhausting but
A lot of time to think and just watch and observe.
And I remember at one point just thinking, you know what, I don't think I'm ever going to be a grandma.
Because I don't think any of my kids are going to want to have kids.
And I'm okay with that.
And it was like kind of this crazy thing, like totally, I'm totally okay with that.
I don't care.
If I'm if any of my children have children.
I don't care.
Because the thing that is more important to me is that my children are happy.
Like I want them to feel free enough to make choices that lead them to their own happiness, their own pathway, their own journey that is fulfilling for them.
I don't want them to feel like they have to conform to a pathway of happiness that is in what I think is happiness or what somebody else thinks is happiness.
And I think because of that, and then, you know, myself and my ex-husband, we both needed to navigate this space of, okay, what does happiness mean for me?
Oh, hey, what do I want?
Like, that was a question I never asked myself, because I wasn't allowed to have wants, you know?
And so what, what do I want?
Right.
Amy Kugler
And how did that feel in that moment?
Because like, again, you hadn't asked yourself those things.
So how did it feel to actually utter those words and ponder that for a bit?
Cara Cynkar
It was almost paralyzing at first, because I didn't know how to have wants.
I didn't know how.
And even if there was this little inkling, I had such conditioning in my mind, this little inkling that came in and said, Hey, you want that?
Hey, you want that?
I mean, no, no, no, the automatic knee jerk reaction.
Nope.
We don't have wants.
We just do.
Right.
Right.
We just do.
I think in our time of knowing each other, what I know of, you know, these stories, but also I see you navigating corporate world like a bus, right?
Who never struggles with asking the questions of like what it is that I want.
And I also saw you on the precipice of looking ahead and saying okay like my kids are like they're they're happy right as we've defined happiness right like they're free to make their own choices and they're almost grown and flown or some of them have right and there are grandkids in the mix and i think now do you feel like asking the questions what is it that i want was different than before yeah tell me more about that
Yeah, so I think as I explored this idea of what I want, there was still hesitancy in some things because there was still a priority of my children, right?
Yeah, there's a lot of things that I would want, but the reality is, is that right now I can't pursue those things.
And what was really interesting is back then, I almost turned that into a belief
that it's not like my I'm too old that time has passed.
I'm too old to pursue any of those things.
I can just be okay with like my current career trajectory.
I can you know, I can get through this and you know being the Gen X or I am I'm like, yeah, I'm probably going to die at my desk because you know, there's never going to be opportunity for me to retire and like retirement isn't even my in my vocabulary right now because I feel like um,
There's a life's work that I'm being called to right now that I will probably be just doing until the day I die.
Like, man, I can't even tell you like Ruth Bader Ginsburg is a hero to me.
And, and, you know, and even just looking at like what she did in her life, and how her what she did, she did open doors for me, right?
Because
What because of things that she did in her life when I'm divorced and a single mom, hey, guess what?
I can buy, I can have a credit card by myself.
I can have a bank account by myself.
I can freaking buy my own house, which I did in 2016.
all by myself.
It's amazing, but it's true.
Like she, she truly paved the ways.
And as a side note to all of the people who laughed at me, like, why are you so sad about her passing?
I'm like, you have no idea.
And that is another story for another podcast.
But I think, I think it does.
Amy Kugler
It's one of those things of once you start asking the question, what is it that I want?
and it's paralyzing at first as you mentioned but then it gets a little easier and I love how you're saying like this is this next act in some ways is very unwritten
But I'm Ching, pun intended, because Cara is smiling at me, for those of you who can't see her, obviously.
But it really comes down to using those muscles of what is it that I want and what is it that is on my heart to share boldly to the world.
And so, like, what are you envisioning for this next act for yourself?
What does this look like?
Cara Cynkar
Yeah, well, I'm going back to school.
I am going to get my master's in social work.
And you know what?
What's really interesting is that my kids have been the things that helped me find my passion.
It's like the coolest thing in the whole world, right?
So, you know, when I go back to talking about how, hey, yeah, I made this choice because it was expected of me, but I would have it no other way.
And yeah, maybe if I wasn't raised the way I was, then I maybe might have not made that choice.
Oh my goodness, I am so grateful that I made that choice because my children have helped me identify the things that I am so passionate about.
I am passionate about our children's safety.
We've been through a school shooting.
I am passionate about making sure all children are respected no matter what of their disabilities.
My second kiddo is autistic.
I am so passionate about parents having the ability to choose health care for their children no matter what those health care needs are because of my transgender kids.
And I am so passionate about accessible mental health care for all.
And I want to be part of that solution.
I want to be somebody who can provide those services, who can expand the services, who can be a voice for those services.
And there's a reason why I've chosen social work instead of, you know, psychology or another one of the social sciences
And it's because of the social action part of the social or the world of the social work discipline.
And that not only is that, you know, you gain the skills to be able to provide the mental health resources for people, but there is a focus on being equitable, like equitable access, and removing disparity.
and I think that's probably one of the reasons why it's been kind of cool to work in the wellness industry and the well-being industry because I've always seen it as employers, the employer groups that I work with are providing a tool that people to their employees that they may not actually seek out on their own
But they're given this, this thing, you know, to be able to help them better their lives in lots of different ways.
And so it's kind of been cool to stumble into this, this industry as a career.
But what I'm finding is that it's just not meeting those passion needs that I have.
And so with my youngest being in her junior year of high school, like, I'm it's time, it's time, it's time for me, it that that shifted, you know, back in
2011 - 2014 where I'm like, yeah, but I got my kids, right, right.
There's no I got my kids anymore because my kids are doing pretty good.
Yes, it is a challenge.
Raising those adults and helping them navigate their 20s.
Right.
But
I am so excited for you because you started listing off the list and what you can't see on the radio obviously is I have my hand over my heart because it is so important.
It is so vital.
The world needs your voice, Cara.
The world absolutely needs your voice.
Amy Kugler
I am so grateful that you're here.
And I think we didn't dive into half, not even like 10%.
We only got to 10% of what we wanted to talk about.
So I love it.
And I will definitely have you back.
I'm so grateful.
And I know where I can find you online.
And I will put all of that in our show notes.
But thanks again for being a part of this.
Cara Cynkar
Thank you, Amy.
This is, I really appreciate
you creating a platform for moms like me.
Oh, well, we have a lot of things to say, don't we?
Yes.
Yes, we do.
We need to be heard.
Amy Kugler
I have always admired Cara's tenacity with a mixture of grace, curiosity, and every time I hear her story, and trust me, we only covered a fraction of it,
I'm just blown away by how she navigates this world.
Here are some of the takeaways that I had from our conversation.
I loved having a mom resume, and I feel like that's key to gaining perspective for all ages and stages of parenting.
My mom's resume right now looks different than it will in 10 years and that's okay because again things change but it's looking at the full scope of our lives and not just the snapshot of the moment we're in.
2.
Curiosity is the thing that keeps us grounded and moving forward at the same time.
How in the world is that possible?
I, I'm going to dig in more to this and writing and whatnot, but I'm just perplexed at the duality of that, how curiosity, being a curious person can round us in the moment and move us forward.
Now third, the most daring and yet simple question is this, what is it that I want?
I think, and I know from my own experience, I often forget to ask myself that question, especially when it's in the mix of the Halloween costume making or the lunch making or the conversation about what's going on in the world.
It's all so big and all of the smaller details can take precedence.
But in those still quiet moments, asking the simple question, what is it that I want?
I think I'm going to be thinking about that for a very long time and I hope that you will too because ultimately the stories that define us as a parent or a caregiver or a mom and more hinge on asking that simple question, what is it that I want?
I hope that this conversation was enriching to you.
I hope that it helped you think through new things through this world and face the challenges that you're facing with a new perspective.
Until next time, onward and upward.
Amy Kugler:
Before I go, I'd love to hear from you.
Have a story that we should talk about for and more?
Click the share your story button on welcometobeam.com and make sure you're signed up for our newsletter there to get all the information about upcoming events, giveaways, and more.
You can also follow us on Instagram at @BEAM4MOMS.
That's B-E-A-M, the number 4, M-O-M-S.
I'd love to shout from the rooftops for my team who makes this beautiful show possible.
Special thanks to Stacey Harris, without whom the entirety of BEAM would have been just a fleeting thought.
Of course, Dave Nelson, the man behind the mic and all the production for all these things, Benny Mathers, our producer for the KK&W support, and graphic design by the inimitable Sullivan & Sullivan Studios.
And you know, I cannot forget my Dave, Brendan, and Evie, the trio that pushes me always to be more myself.
To all of BEAM's founding members, we are eternally grateful.
Thank you for your unwavering belief that the power of our stories can make a difference.
And to you, my gorgeous listeners and guests, we love you.
Thank you for trusting us with your stories and your time.
It would mean the world to us if you'd follow, rate, or review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get these stories.
and also share it with friends.
You know the ones that want to hear it.
Until next week, onward and upward, my friends.
We'll see you then.
Amy Kugler:
Before I go, I'd love to hear from you have a story that we should talk about For And More, click the share your Story button on Welcome to beam.com and make sure you're signed up for our newsletter there to get all the information about upcoming events, giveaways, and more. You can also follow us on Instagram at Beam for Moms. That's b e a m, the number four M O M S. I'd love to shout from the rooftops from my team who makes this beautiful show possible. Special thanks to Stacey Harris, without whom the entirety of beam would have been just a fleeting thought. Of course, Dave Nelson, the man behind the mic, and all the production for all these things. Benny Mathers, our producer for the KKNW support and graphic design by the Inimitable Sullivan and Sullivan Studios. And I cannot forget my Dave, Brendan, and Evie, the trio that pushes me always to be more myself. To all of Beam's founding members, we are eternally grateful. Thank you for your unwavering belief that the power of our stories can make a difference. And to you, my gorgeous listeners and guests, we love you. Thank you for trusting us with your stories and your time. It would mean the world to us if you'd follow rate or review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get these stories. And also share it with friends, the ones that want to hear it. Until next week, onward and upward, my friends. We'll see you then.
